


How do you say ‘I love you’?

by blunderingcloudwalk



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, Poetry, Romance, they’re bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29889468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blunderingcloudwalk/pseuds/blunderingcloudwalk
Summary: How do you say ‘I love you’?These syllables seem impossibleFor people who exchange fists more often than words.
Relationships: Kagura/Okita Sougo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	How do you say ‘I love you’?

How do you say ‘I love you’

When every time he speaks to her,

He automatically tells her how much he hates her?

Hate and love are two sides of the same coin,

Though he knows she could never see it that way.

She is an idiot who needs everything to be spelled out to her

(He is a coward who doesn’t want to confess)

How do you say ‘I love you’?

Would it be enough to let her figure it out slowly

Through those nights when they spar 

Just as an excuse to put their hands on each other?

Or later on, through sloppy, drunken kisses- 

Through the way he tilts her face upwards and silently says  _look at me_

But love is more than physical attraction.

It’s more than the way their lips melt into each other

Love is intricate, multifaceted.

He assumes it has something to do with the way he wants no one (but himself) to hurt her,

Or the way he automatically perks up whenever they cross paths,

Or the way he whispers her given name when he is alone, just to try it.

But the only way he can think of expressing this

Is by buying her sweets

And he will always fill them with Tabasco sauce

Because he doesn’t want to be too obvious 

How do you say ‘I love you’

When he is cold and sadistic,

When he is a plain country samurai 

Who knows nothing of emotions and vulnerability 

Who knows nothing of the softness it takes

How do you say ‘I love you’

When he has only ever uttered those words to a single person-

And she died and his heart broke a thousand times over

How is he supposed to let himself love

When it is an opportunity for that loss, that pain?

He can’t.

He won’t.

But he’s never had a choice, has he?

* * *

How do you say ‘I love you’

When she has spent her entire childhood pushing him away?

When their identity is cat and mouse, cop and robber-

And they simply cannot love each other

Because it is not who they are.

How do you say ‘I love you’

When he is stupid and impossible to read?

He hates her, he hurts her, then he turns around and says things like

_ Don’t lose to anyone else _

And the way he looks at her, the way they fight seems to change

As the years slip by

How do you say ‘I love you’

When they grow older 

And she becomes increasingly aware of the shape of his body

And his strong, calloused hands?

When he takes her first kiss

And she wonders if he also felt heat in his face 

And butterflies in his stomach

And she wonders if this is really what love feels like

Or if it’s just the alcohol 

How do you say ‘I love you’ 

When she can’t tell if he really cares

Or if he’s just an idiotic fuckboy 

Who wants to get into her pants?

How do you say ‘I love you’

When they are no longer children

And love is more than a simple four-letter-word

To be tossed around without consequence?

Love is a covenant, a promise.

For her, it is a long-term relationship, marriage, family-

Family is a need that runs through her veins.

And for some reason, every future she has imagined 

Seems to have him by her side

* * *

How do you say ‘I love you’

When he wakes up next to her

And his head hurts from the hangover and the impulsive decisions 

And his heart hurts from the (unrequited?) emotions

How do you say ‘I love you’

When it still feels like he is intoxicated

From the mere sight of her sleeping peacefully

And he feels like a fool for all the times he’s called her ugly

(But he knows he will continue to call her ugly)

* * *

How do you say ‘I love you’

When love is suddenly all she can feel?

She is overtaken as he holds her hand

And softly apologizes

Because he remembers she wanted to wait until marriage.

In all their years together, she has never seen him this gentle

And in that moment, she knows that there is no possibility 

Of her ever wanting anyone except for the idiot she just shared a bed with

But how do you say ‘I love you’?

She can’t figure it out right then.

Maybe she will learn some other time,

When her head isn’t pounding

When she isn’t distracted by the outline of his body

Underneath the sheets

For now,

She collects her thoughts enough to tell him that it’s okay.

But her thoughts must need more collecting 

Because then she tells him that she wants the next time they do this

To be on their wedding night.

How do you say ‘I love you’

When her hands shake as she hurriedly turns away and gets dressed

Because she’s an idiot who’s spouting bullshit about marriage

To a guy that she isn’t even dating?

And the way she said it was so  _weird_ -

It probably sounded like she just wants him for sex

And she probably ruined her chances with him

And her head still hurts

* * *

How do you say ‘I love you’

When every time their conversations grow serious,

They both stutter blush insult punch do  _anything_ to avoid it

And he is left wondering if she really meant it

When she said she wanted to marry him

How do you say ‘I love you’

When he suddenly turns into a hopeless romantic

And decides to buy a ring-

It’s stupid, he knows this.

What he doesn’t know is her ring size,

But that doesn’t stop him, he simply guesses.

What he doesn’t know are her true feelings- (again, see the line above)

How do you say ‘I love you’

After  _seven years_

Of bickering and anger and rivalry 

Of tentative collaboration and spontaneous bits of care

Of confusion and denial and misnomered love 

Of pining and wishing and fighting yet again?

He still doesn’t know.

How do you say ‘I love you’

When that damn box feels like it’s burning a hole in his pocket

And his voice shakes as he informs her 

In the most nonchalant way he can

That he wants to tell her something

How do you say ‘I love you’

When the few brain cells he has remaining

Scream at him to stop because he’s being stupid

And they remind him that they’re in the middle of the park

And if he gets on one knee, 

All the passerby will know what he is doing

How do you say ‘I love you’

When her eyes are so clear

And her gaze is so sharp

And it takes all his concentration to keep looking at her?

How do you say ‘I love you’?

The question barrels through his head

And he is so pathetic 

He can only whisper the words

.

.

.

_ I love you will you marry me _

His face burns and a painful eternity seems to pass

Until she takes his hand.

And everything, every over-complication

Every moment of doubt and fear and pride

Is worth it

To hear her say it, too.


End file.
